I just finished painting. I tried something new this time...I listened to music while painting and tried to let it influence me. Well it did and the message on the painting is really good, but I'm not sure if I went too crazy with color or I just...I dunno...the painting looks really colorful. I started a self portrait on a seperate canvas and I think the two paintings are going to come together. Anyway I think I need to speak to someone's mom about some stuff...yeah I think I will. Anyway, I think painting was supposed to make me feel better but I'm kind of sad now. Somehow I was just reminded of Brian. I miss him. It's okay though it's only 6 days until I get to see him. I hope he's having fun, he didn't sound like it when he first called me and I hope he isn't upset I missed his second call. I wish I had gotten that call because he said he wouldn't be able to call often. Alright, I can't sit here and think about
him anymore because it's not going to make him appear before me. Moving right along, I got tennis sneakers. They were 60 bucks and they are Wilsons, I got em cuz they were the least expensive and still had a warrantee for a year that they wouldn't be defective in any way. I figured that since Brian suggested I do the camp and he was more excited than I was he'll probably want to drag me onto the tennis courts and actually play. The bad part is, I'm not sure if I'll enjoy tennis. I still don't know how to keep score and ten bucks says if I beat Brian at it, his head will explode!!! Dewayne agrees with me on it, he said Brian would be pissed. We'll see, Brian may just take me as a joke when I'm out there and not really play. OR it could go extremely bad and he'll be up my ass telling me that my elbow shouldn't drop like that and that my wrist shouldn't snap...wow...I'm not sure if me playing tennis is a good idea anymore. I may just have to avoid playing with him or letting him watch. I think I'll treat Brian the way I treated my mom, neither of them can watch me play...........oh sorry I drifted away to the game I pitched and won 7-4 Varsity year. That was a really good win.
You know what pisses me off, Brian saying that he thinks or thought that I'm not a good ballplayer. That really made me livid inside, of course I didn't show it. I could have cursed the shit out of him and then beat him to a pulp!...I sort of wanted to. Imagine him telling me that I didn't look like I could play. Well I can throw the softball all the way from far outfield past homebase and into the backstop. I know for sure, I actually did it in practice. I mean I had mechanics down, technical rules down, and a pretty good instinct. My worst problem, was my head on the mound. I would totally get psyched out by everyone and everything. I got angry, frustrated, upset...but I think it was due to everyone on the team. The girls were just mean to me all the time. During practice, even in a game, I was always blamed for losses, the coach was a pain in the ass. I didn't have thick skin when I was a freshman and a sophomore. I started developing it in junior year but that just got really bad because of all the shit that happened junior year. I think senior year I began to withdraw myself from everything and everyone. I tried to stay out of the spotlight. Personally, I think it did me a lot of good...but...HEY where was I? I don't remember.
I was just reading about personality disorders....yeah well I qaulify for a bunch of them! Talk about making myself feel like crud...see look at this
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low
URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/disorder_information2.html
Oh well, I think everyone in the world has disorders. No one person comes out perfect. I think the test was wrong about me being Narcissistic full on. I don't take advantage of others and I'm not celf-centered. Although I am choosey about friends and I tend to make good impressions but relationships don't last. Well, I'm not letting the last part ruin what I have with Brian.
Anyway I had a full day away from Nicole and the pressures of her being on my back...I feel great....I feel tired...I'm going to bed.
BeCapturedGoFree
