I spoke to Marie for at least a half hour, it was hard to keep track of time. Between both of us blabbing away and the noise level in my damn house I couldn't really keep track of anything. It really made me mad that I was trying to have a conversation with Marie who I hadn't talked to for a long time, and everyone keeps interrupting and being loud. She was upset about failing her first Italian test. I told her not to worry school was almost over and one bad test can't affect her grade dramatically. We talked a little about college, she's going to William Paterson. I think Brian is still waiting for an answer from them, he got accepted already to ESU. I'm real happy and proud of him. I'm proud of her too. Lately I've just been real upset with myself. I feel like crap that I'm coming home already. It's like I'm quitting, why does it feel like I'm quitting? I was defenitely not happy at New Paltz but why am I also not happy at home?At least when I was in New Paltz my relationship with Brian was better. It's not that it's bad now, it's not. It's just getting tougher.I think I'm just so wrapped up with being mad at myself and mad at my house and dad that it's seriously effecting the rest of my life. I know in the past I wanted to see a counselor to talk and stuff but I'm wondering if that kind of stuff would help. What my problem is,is that I cover up my feelings. It's hard to talk to people about those kinds of things so I take a subjective view on my feelings sometimes. Hah I think I'm really breaking through in this diary. Today was a really good day with just one bad moment. This morning was wonderful, and that's all I'll say because it's no one's business but mine. Then while Brian and I were watching women's college softball we had a disagreement. You know what it wasn't what we were argueing about it was how he argued. That's the only thing that really bothers me and makes me start up with an attitude which he hates. FINALLY I pinpointed what pisses me off about him! It's the way he argues. I mean fine Brian you made your point but damnit don't go on and on about why your point is right over mine. You said why it's right no need to reitterate, I'm not deaf. It's like driving a stake deeper into the ground just to know you got more than just the point through. It's not only about stupid softball it's about a lot of other things. I mean sure it egged me that you said whoever taught me was wrong. You know, I respect the people that taught me and they worked hard with the problems I did have. Whatever they were telling me was to help me get better at my mechanics not only my damn speed. That's not only what matters, a good foundation is key. I really don't care if that other person was right, to be honest, because for one I don't pitch anymore and two the coaches that taught me did make me a better pitcher and that's all that matters to me. Speed isn't everything just like they say money isn't everything. Well neither of them aren't. This might stound like attack and hell I know it sounds a lil angry but I was a little angry. There was no need to make me feel like I was wrong because this other person said something different. Everyone is going to say something different, it's how you decide what's best not what's right. I feel sometimes like I'm arguing with my sister, she always has to be right or she always has to make her point. No, I'm not saying Brian is Nicole because the last time I said something even close to something like that I was putting weight on him. I defenitely know I don't argue like my sister, I'm just very firm in what I believe in. I like to know the other person heard me and understood where I was coming from, but they don't have to believe in the same things as me. I really am passive when it comes to a lot of things, and arguing is probably one of them. Oh trust me I won't scream or anything but I'll give a good attitude about it, I know I will because that's just how I am. If I do scream, then someone pushed me over the edge I would be scared after that for the person. Sometimes like I said before I'm just so tired of trying to change myself or rennovate myself. That's not me, I'm who I am and as hard as I try I'll only burn myself for trying to change. My mom's right I can't pretend or try to be something I'm not. From now on I'm just working on being true to myself, if anyone needs to change it's not me. Not anymore. If someone doesn't like me the way I am f*ck them, they don't need to be around me and I don't need to be around them. Take me for who I am, because that's all I'll ever be. This goes for just about everyone. There are certain people that have allowances because well I can't be mean. For example my mom cuz she'll just b*tch slap me or take my car away and frankly I'd take the slap anyday. I'm a trouper and can take that, but I'll be very unhappy without a car. There are a few people out there, but I'm just going to curb myself not change myself for them. Why do that when it'll only make me unhappy and they won't get the real deal, ya know?
BeCapturedGoFree
